"This is not a bomb..."

...but the Grammys sure bombed. The 51st annual celebration was a bore, for the most part. Surprises? Few to be found. Excitement? Little to be found. Disco ball garb? Everywhere. Here's a run down of the glitzy garbage which was this years Grammys.



My first observation is the lack of awards presented. I watched most of the program, and maybe saw ten awards handed out, at most. Nothing surprising happened, including Robert Plant & Alison Krauss taking home three major awards for Record of the Year ("Please Read the Letter"), Album of the Year (Raising Sand), and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals ("Rich Woman"). Less surprising was Coldplay taking the stage (in unabashed Sgt. Peppers-referencing outfits) to accept multiple awards for Song of the Year ("Viva La Vida"), Best Rock Album (Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends), and Best Pop Performance By a Duo or Group with Vocals ("Viva La Vida"). Dads of the world unite - soft rock is still king.



The performances were fairly lacking as well. The "Rap Summit" of T.I., Jay-Z, Kanye West, and Lil' Wayne performed "Swagga Like Us" with little-to-no swagger at all. They did, however, pack a pregnant M.I.A. into their performance, as the song samples her vocal on the Grammy-nominated "Paper Planes" from 2007's record Kala. Lil' Wayne also bombed with his performance of "Tie My Hands" with Robin Thicke. Why not bust out something rowdy like "Got Money" or the Best Rap Solo Performance-winning "A Milli?" Clearly, the Academy fears the cuss word. T.I. also made two appearances, his second a subpar duet with Justin Timberlake. Jay-Z also appeared twice, his second with Chris Martin. Sheer embarassment was another theme, as the legendary Stevie Wonder took the stage with the Jonas Brothers, who mumbled through words they didn't know at times and generally made fools of themselves. Another embarassment, the Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift duet, made the word "unnecessary" a complete understatement.



One performance stood alone as the highlight of the night. Radiohead, or should I say two fifths of Radiohead, performed "15 Step" with the U.S.C. marching band. The number was magnificent, with dozens of drumline members and brass-blowers acting as the backdrop to Thom Yorke flailing about and Jonny Greenwood calmly caressing notes from his guitar. Phil Selway, Ed O'Brien, and Jonny's brother Colin Greenwood were all missing from the stage, their parts being recreated by the marching band, including the thick bassline.



One more note - M.I.A. is pregnant, sure, but did she really have to look like ethnic Minnie Mouse up on stage? Her patches of black and white polka dots strictly covered her chest, backside, and ballooned stomach, and all that was missing was a big red bow.



There were a few awards I was happy about after all the monotony. The Mars Volta won for Best Hard Rock Performance ("Wax Simulacra"), Radiohead won Best Alternative Music Album (In Rainbows which, you know, was released in 2007), Lil' Wayne took home a few including Best Rap Album (Tha Carter III), and Al Green took home a couple for collaborations with John Legend and Anthony Hamilton, as well as getting his mini-duet on with Duffy (who won Best Pop Vocal Album for Rockferry)during an award presentation.

Perhaps if all the cringe-worthy portions of the Grammys were cut out and only the respectable portions were aired, music fans could be treated to an hour-long spectacle reviewing the year in music. Until then the Grammys will continue to stand as a dated figurehead in the world of music recording, and even then I'm not promising anything.

All images except the top photo courtesy BBC.